Dear Abby,
I enjoy reading your 2x2 newsletter… Thanks for sending them our way. On the "Marriage" issue in September, I'd love to hear about "family strength" related to time off—off work, away from the church, whatever. I guess it's "normal" parental guilt, but when we take the energy (and it takes energy!) to arrange to be away, we usually feel the need to take the kids with us. Is this a common theme? Do you outgrow it when the kids are older? Do you think it's damaging to a marriage? Romantic weekend junkets to New England sound like a good idea, but we just don't go kid-free much of anywhere these days. Thanks for the insight! Amy
Dear Guilt-Ridden Parent,
Join the club! Amy and I share the same frustration for trying to spend adequate time in all of the different compartments of our lives. My time, couple time, and family time are all important outside of work, but there don’t seem to be enough hours in a month. And it is a product of our culture, now, not just of shared ministry. We want to “do it all,” and have been seduced by a marketing campaign that says we can. I’d love to get some feedback from others in the network, but from our perspective, it definitely takes constant effort. And, scheduling is the only hope for us. A few years ago I participated in a Franklin-Covey “What Matters Most” seminar and found this most helpful. Many people feel like “scheduling” will be a burden, especially when it comes to time away from work. We want to live “spontaneously.” But the truth is, we can’t have it all. So scheduling does help us to prioritize our lives, so we can work smarter on the job, leaving better time (I didn’t say necessarily “more time”) for myself, the kids, and for Amy. We try to take our two boys with us, and do things as a family any time that it is reasonable to do so – so we end up spending “quality time” at the grocery store (the four of us), or taking the boys to the nursing home to visit (when appropriate). Adding family time into our work, allows us more freedom to claim some time away when we need it. And, it really gives me something to look forward to when I see “Date, 7:00 pm” in my own daytimer! But… I anticipate that this will be more difficult as our boys get older and are less interested in making pastoral visits with us, and when their school schedule is more demanding on our time. Some of you reading this have “been there, done that” – can you help us out? (Russ Dean)
Amy Mears is a Ph.D. graduate in Homiletics from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. She ministers in Georgia, in a separate ministry position from her husband, David, a Social Work graduate. You can respond to Amy at: amears@uh.org.
Dear Abby,
Okay, I have two silly questions:
1) Experience. While not trying to diminish my experience and gifts… Tony will always have more education and experience…Does this not automatically insert a degree of “superiority”… into the equation, which increases the likelihood of an unequal partnership...at least in perception? Maybe the right way to ask this is: Since Tony is a traditional pastoral model and has the education to back up his years of experience, won't I be perceived as his “junior vp”…
2) Worship attire. Robes are not options for us at Bethel. Should it be something we try to insist on in our next placement, or are there “other appropriate vestments” when two persons share pastoral leadership, particularly the sermon/ordinance segments of the worship event? We have applied as a team to two churches. We'll keep you posted.
Grace, peace and laughter.... – Katrina Brooks
1) Experience is a difficult issue because Search Committees always want the impossibly perfect combination of experience and freshness! In our case, neither had "pastoral experience." We had experience in all pastoral duties, weddings, funerals, baptism, etc... but not as The Pastor. So, we said to our committee upfront, "You are taking a chance on us!"
We worried about this, too. In our last move, I became an Associate Pastor. Amy stayed home for 9 months with our first child, and then worked in two non-church, but ministry-related positions, and then in another Associate Pastor role. Would a Search Committee consider these “unequal” ministry experiences? (We also considered this question because of this Doctor of Ministry degree -- if I'm "Dr." and she's not, will people perceive us differently?)
But, I think the bottom line is that any church willing to talk with you is going to be "thinking outside the box" anyway. If they will “take a chance” on a woman pastor, perhaps they can get beyond the experience thing as well. This was our experience. So the important thing becomes, having an opportunity to "sell your vision" to a church. I hope that as more churches see our model in practice, it will become more viable. I spoke last week with a Committee Chair who is talking to a couple in our network, and I think just speaking to someone who is Co-Pastoring a church (successfully, so far!) with his spouse was helpful.
2) Worship attire. Our experience with Park Road has been ideal (we think). PRBC has a long liturgical tradition - the Pastor here has worn a robe for many years. So, the pattern was really set for us. We understand the argument against robes, but strongly affirm the arguments for robing. This is especially true for Amy. In the pulpit, since most people are not accustomed to women preachers, the question about "what do you wear" is a troubling nuisance. It shouldn't matter, but it will. At the CBF meeting it was helpful to realize that Shared Pastoral Ministry is not only for "liberal" churches. Though our church is "liberal " in a lot of ways – Mark and Mary Driskill's congregation is as "conservative" as many in the Southern Baptist Convention. They don't robe, use the lectionary, or do many of the things we do, and it works for them. We have a bias towards robes (which help to "even the playing field" a little when Amy steps into the pulpit). Perhaps this is worth a conversation with any search committee. But they are definitely not necessary. (Russ Dean)
Katrina Brooks is married to Tony (article #2). You can help her out, by writing to 4brooks@halifax.com.