"Marriage & Individuality:

Finding Your Place By Remembering Who You Are," by Tony Brooks

Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Unfortunately, there are individuals who have chosen to interpret this passage to mean that they are to give up their identity and individuality once they say, “I do.” These spouses spend their lives trying to care for their spouse without any regard for their own goals and dreams.

Jan sought marital counseling with my wife, Katrina. It seems that Jan no longer loved her husband John. After several years of being the major provider in the family and caretaker of their child, Jan came to realize that she had given up her identity for the last fifteen years. She was now angry, depressed and had no sense of who she was. Instead of seeing marriage as a covenant between two people to love, nurture and empower each other to become who God has created them to be, Jan had seen marriage as total submission to her husband’s identity. In the process Jan had lost all sense of self-worth.

One of the most rewarding and difficult responsibilities in marriage is to recognize that each spouse is responsible for preserving individuality as well as togetherness in the context of marriage. There must be a balance between the two components for each spouse to be who God created them to be.

In the context of ministry, maintaining this level of individuality and togetherness can be even more difficult. When God calls both spouses to vocational ministry, the couple must maintain a high degree of self-definition, communication, creativeness and passion towards their calling. For brevity’s sake, allow me to share some important aspects of self-definition for this article.

Ronald W. Richardson’s book, Family Ties that Bind is an excellent resource to begin discovering who you are as a person. Self-definition calls for spouses to be goal-directed and to distinguish between thinking and feeling. Being able to clarify your own values and boundaries is difficult, but of major importance to self-definition. Self-definition equips spouses to know when to say “yes” to the many requests of church members and when to say “no.” Setting goals based on those values empowers a person to be who God called them to be, and allows them to say “no” when the request does not fit their rationale for ministry or takes away from their family. These values should be based on their own personal mission statement.

When the time comes to say “no” it is helpful to distinguish between thinking and feeling. Though passionate in their feelings, self-differentiated people are able to make logical choices based on reason rather than guilt, fear or other emotional states. Differentiated people are able to think through their positions, take stands and set limits while also listening to the views of others. When couples are in ministry together, being able to understand each other’s gifts and clearly communicating those values and goals can make for a more successful marriage and ministry.  

Tony Brooks is a Baptist pastor in Virginia. His wife, Katrina, is also a Baptist minister, but they are not currently serving together. You can reach Tony at: 4brooks@halifax.com.