“News for Two” is an informal e-mail newsletter that seeks to provide ministry to couples engaged in, or interested in, “Shared Pastoral Ministry.” The purpose of the “Two by Two” network, is to facilitate dialogue between couples involved in Shared Pastoral Ministry, so I encourage your response to any of the articles found below. A list of all of the couples in “Two by Two” can be found in the article entitled “The Network Database.”
The September Edition: This edition will examine several aspects of “marriage” from a perspective of Shared Pastoral Ministry. The CONTENTS lists a brief description of the ARTICLES that are found below.
Russ Dean, Editor
September 17, 2001
www.parkroadbaptist.org - click the link for “A Network for Shared Pastoral Ministry”
1. “Nothing New” – An article by Dr. Todd Lake of Baylor University takes a no-nonsense approach to the difficulty of Shared Pastoral Ministry. Todd cites our “sinful nature” and “gender bias” as two major downfalls, but concludes that this old form of ministry is still worth the effort.
2. “Marriage & Individuality: Finding Your Place By Remembering Who You Are” – An article by Tony Brooks suggests that “individuality” is as important as “togetherness” in marriage, but many individuals, especially, women sacrifice their own identity to their marriage. In ministering together, both aspects are necessary.
3. “Dear Abby” – One member of the network writes to ask about Time Challenges. How do you balance work, kids, each other? Another writes to ask about “Experience” and “Worship Attire.” “Abby” responds, but needs your help – What are your secrets to happy and healthy families in the crush of modern life and shared ministry? How necessary is “equal experience” for Shared Pastoral Ministry? Do you wear a robe in worship?
4. “Family First” – When Amy and I graduated from seminary and took our first full-time assignment, someone wisely reminded us that since we were both in ministry we would have to work diligently to keep a marriage strong. “Don’t forget,” they said,” God instituted the family long before the Church!” It has been good advice. Don and Donna Wright share the same insight in their own words from a Shared Pastoral Ministry in Nebraska.
5. Resources – Let me recommend several books and other resources from my reading and research. Though material specific to Shared Pastoral Ministry is very slim, I have also posted the complete text of every article that I have been able to find at www.parkroadbaptist.org -- click the link for “A Network for Shared Pastoral Ministry.”
6. The Database – Check out the growing list of couples at: www.parkroadbaptist.org -- click the link for A Network for Shared Pastoral Ministry.”
ARTICLES
1. “NOTHING NEW,” Todd Lake, Ph.D.
Ministry couples are nothing new: Prisca (known as Priscilla to her friends) and her husband Aquila are mentioned together six times in the New Testament. Four of those times, she is mentioned first. But what was their life together in ministry really like? One ministry couple we know says pastoring together means that you add fighting about church issues to the usual list of things you fight about. Other couples report only a blissful joint service to Christ, which both strengthens the church and enhances spiritual growth in their marriage. (My wife and I secretly suspect that these people are lying!)
Why be cynical about how peaceful it will be ministering together? Primarily, because the New Testament record teaches us that Christian ministry has been enveloped in conflict from the beginning. The early Church, as portrayed in Acts 2 and 4, was a harmonious place. But by chapter 6, we have fighting at the church food pantry breaking out among the Christians. Soon thereafter, Paul and John Mark—real, live missionaries—have so many problems that they must stop working together. And who can forget the apostles’ pathetic jockeying for position during the last days of Christ’s life; the Corinthian church’s being riven at the fault line between those who had flashy spiritual gifts and those who didn’t; Peter and Paul at each other’s throats in Galatia; and church leaders like Euodia and Synteche needing a public reprimand to get along .
I paint this dismal picture not to counsel couples to steer clear of ministry, but to counsel us not to mistake the honeymoon for the marriage. If you go into ministry together because it is easy, then you’ll leave it once the going gets tough. That’s why Scripture is always realistic about the nature of our life together as Christians. It is better to go into ministry with no rosy illusions than to be crushed by disillusionment later in one’s ministry.
God has done and will do great things through ministry couples, but it is imperative that we recognize two great pitfalls. First, there is the sinful nature that we all still possess—even after receiving an M.Div. Yes, Christ has redeemed us from sin, and the Holy Spirit is in the process of making us holy, but we haven’t arrived yet. Which means we will hurt each other at times in ministry. But sin is akin to the Watergate break-in: it’s not so much the first sin that harms you so much, but the coverup efforts later on. We must be quick to listen to our spouse’s concerns and quick to seek forgiveness. The secret is to keep shortening the time between when you realize that you are in the wrong and when you apologize.
The second major pitfall for ministry couples is the gender bias of congregations. The easiest way to handle this is to ignore the small things and trust that things will get better over time. They won’t. Wine gets better over time, but problems like this just fester. Which means that continual, loving defiance of the sexism rooted in our culture, especially church culture, is necessary. We know that part of the curse in Genesis is that the man will rule over the woman. Such dominance is sinful, but in another sense acquiescing to such dominance is also sinful. Ministry couples must make sure that they are treated as equals, not for the sake of the assertion of their “rights,” but as a witness to the Gospel. For God made us male and female to display God’s image to the world. To diminish a woman in any way is to diminish God.
If we can take seriously these dangers, then the advantages of ministering as a couple are tremendous. For example my wife, Joy Jordan-Lake, did not feel a call to preach. I seldom feel a call to shut up. But instead of doggedly striving for “equal time,” we took on the roles in the church to which God had called us. Joy founded and led our church’s clothes and food pantry, which became a model for the city. I preached. Joy created Christianity and the Arts services during the year which used the artistic gifts of our church members. I preached some more. And Joy and I together did pre-marital counseling. The chance to have both a male and female perspective on marriage was greatly appreciated by our church members. [By the way, at weddings we did preach the sermon together, but let the record show that her skill as a professional writer* gave her an unfair advantage!]
I believe that ministry couples incarnate the idea that each person in ministry is not called to exercise all possible spiritual gifts. She might do more preaching, he might do more counseling; she might be a wonderful administrator while he is creative and visionary. While there is no pink or blue list of spiritual gifts, there is no doubt that each person has only some of the gifts needed for ministry. How good and pleasant it is when we can blend those gifts in the mystery of marriage as an offering to Christ’s bride, the Church.
Todd and his wife, Joy Jordan Lake served as Co-Pastors of the Cambridgeport Baptist Church in Boston, MA for a number of years. He is now the Minister to the University on Baylor University’s campus. Joy is teaching and free-lance writing. *Joy Jordan-Lake’s book of short stories, Grit & Grace: Portraits of a Woman’s Life, can be ordered from Amazon.com or through any bookseller. You can respond to Todd’s article at: Todd_Lake@baylor.edu.
2. “Marriage & Individuality: Finding Your Place By Remembering Who You Are”
Genesis 2:24 states, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Unfortunately, there are individuals who have chosen to interpret this passage to mean that they are to give up their identity and individuality once they say, “I do.” These spouses spend their lives trying to care for their spouse without any regard for their own goals and dreams.
Jan sought marital counseling with my wife, Katrina. It seems that Jan no longer loved her husband John. After several years of being the major provider in the family and caretaker of their child, Jan came to realize that she had given up her identity for the last fifteen years. She was now angry, depressed and had no sense of who she was. Instead of seeing marriage as a covenant between two people to love, nurture and empower each other to become who God has created them to be, Jan had seen marriage as total submission to her husband’s identity. In the process Jan had lost all sense of self-worth.
One of the most rewarding and difficult responsibilities in marriage is to recognize that each spouse is responsible for preserving individuality as well as togetherness in the context of marriage. There must be a balance between the two components for each spouse to be who God created them to be.
In the context of ministry, maintaining this level of individuality and togetherness can be even more difficult. When God calls both spouses to vocational ministry, the couple must maintain a high degree of self-definition, communication, creativeness and passion towards their calling. For brevity’s sake, allow me to share some important aspects of self-definition for this article.
Ronald W. Richardson’s book, Family Ties that Bind is an excellent resource to begin discovering who you are as a person. Self-definition calls for spouses to be goal-directed and to distinguish between thinking and feeling. Being able to clarify your own values and boundaries is difficult, but of major importance to self-definition. Self-definition equips spouses to know when to say “yes” to the many requests of church members and when to say “no.” Setting goals based on those values empowers a person to be who God called them to be, and allows them to say “no” when the request does not fit their rationale for ministry or takes away from their family. These values should be based on their own personal mission statement.
When the time comes to say “no” it is helpful to distinguish between thinking and feeling. Though passionate in their feelings, self-differentiated people are able to make logical choices based on reason rather than guilt, fear or other emotional states. Differentiated people are able to think through their positions, take stands and set limits while also listening to the views of others. When couples are in ministry together, being able to understand each other’s gifts and clearly communicating those values and goals can make for a more successful marriage and ministry.
Tony Brooks is a Baptist pastor in Virginia. His wife, Katrina, is also a Baptist minister, but they are not currently serving together. You can reach Tony at: 4brooks@halifax.com.
I enjoy reading your 2x2 newsletter… Thanks for sending them our way. On the "Marriage" issue in September, I'd love to hear about "family strength" related to time off—off work, away from the church, whatever. I guess it's "normal" parental guilt, but when we take the energy (and it takes energy!) to arrange to be away, we usually feel the need to take the kids with us. Is this a common theme? Do you outgrow it when the kids are older? Do you think it's damaging to a marriage? Romantic weekend junkets to New England sound like a good idea, but we just don't go kid-free much of anywhere these days. Thanks for the insight! Amy
Dear Guilt-Ridden Parent,
Join the club! Amy and I share the same frustration for trying to spend adequate time in all of the different compartments of our lives. My time, couple time, and family time are all important outside of work, but there don’t seem to be enough hours in a month. And it is a product of our culture, now, not just of shared ministry. We want to “do it all,” and have been seduced by a marketing campaign that says we can. I’d love to get some feedback from others in the network, but from our perspective, it definitely takes constant effort. And, scheduling is the only hope for us. A few years ago I participated in a Franklin-Covey “What Matters Most” seminar and found this most helpful. Many people feel like “scheduling” will be a burden, especially when it comes to time away from work. We want to live “spontaneously.” But the truth is, we can’t have it all. So scheduling does help us to prioritize our lives, so we can work smarter on the job, leaving better time (I didn’t say necessarily “more time”) for myself, the kids, and for Amy. We try to take our two boys with us, and do things as a family any time that it is reasonable to do so – so we end up spending “quality time” at the grocery store (the four of us), or taking the boys to the nursing home to visit (when appropriate). Adding family time into our work, allows us more freedom to claim some time away when we need it. And, it really gives me something to look forward to when I see “Date, 7:00 pm” in my own daytimer! But… I anticipate that this will be more difficult as our boys get older and are less interested in making pastoral visits with us, and when their school schedule is more demanding on our time. Some of you reading this have “been there, done that” – can you help us out? (Russ Dean)
Amy Mears is a Ph.D. graduate in Homiletics from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. She ministers in Georgia, in a separate ministry position from her husband, David, a Social Work graduate. You can respond to Amy at: amears@uh.org.
Dear Abby: Okay, I have two silly questions:
1) Experience. While not trying to diminish my experience and gifts… Tony will always have more education and experience…Does this not automatically insert a degree of “superiority”… into the equation, which increases the likelihood of an unequal partnership...at least in perception? Maybe the right way to ask this is: Since Tony is a traditional pastoral model and has the education to back up his years of experience, won't I be perceived as his “junior vp”…
2) Worship attire. Robes are not options for us at Bethel. Should it be something we try to insist on in our next placement, or are there “other appropriate vestments” when two persons share pastoral leadership, particularly the sermon/ordinance segments of the worship event? We have applied as a team to two churches. We'll keep you posted.
Grace, peace and laughter.... – Katrina Brooks
1) Experience is a difficult issue because Search Committees always want the impossibly perfect combination of experience and freshness! In our case, neither had "pastoral experience." We had experience in all pastoral duties, weddings, funerals, baptism, etc... but not as The Pastor. So, we said to our committee upfront, "You are taking a chance on us!"
We worried about this, too. In our last move, I became an Associate Pastor. Amy stayed home for 9 months with our first child, and then worked in two non-church, but ministry-related positions, and then in another Associate Pastor role. Would a Search Committee consider these “unequal” ministry experiences? (We also considered this question because of this Doctor of Ministry degree -- if I'm "Dr." and she's not, will people perceive us differently?)
But, I think the bottom line is that any church willing to talk with you is going to be "thinking outside the box" anyway. If they will “take a chance” on a woman pastor, perhaps they can get beyond the experience thing as well. This was our experience. So the important thing becomes, having an opportunity to "sell your vision" to a church. I hope that as more churches see our model in practice, it will become more viable. I spoke last week with a Committee Chair who is talking to a couple in our network, and I think just speaking to someone who is Co-Pastoring a church (successfully, so far!) with his spouse was helpful.
2) Worship attire. Our experience with Park Road has been ideal (we think). PRBC has a long liturgical tradition - the Pastor here has worn a robe for many years. So, the pattern was really set for us. We understand the argument against robes, but strongly affirm the arguments for robing. This is especially true for Amy. In the pulpit, since most people are not accustomed to women preachers, the question about "what do you wear" is a troubling nuisance. It shouldn't matter, but it will. At the CBF meeting it was helpful to realize that Shared Pastoral Ministry is not only for "liberal" churches. Though our church is "liberal " in a lot of ways – Mark and Mary Driskill's congregation is as "conservative" as many in the Southern Baptist Convention. They don't robe, use the lectionary, or do many of the things we do, and it works for them. We have a bias towards robes (which help to "even the playing field" a little when Amy steps into the pulpit). Perhaps this is worth a conversation with any search committee. But they are definitely not necessary. (Russ Dean)
Katrina Brooks is married to Tony (article #2). You can help her out, by writing to 4brooks@halifax.com.
My wife and I covenanted together when we were in seminary that our marriage would come before our vocation. Our calling to one another must be integrated into our calling to be "whole," to be in communion with God, our calling to the "C"hurch. Too many of the clergy-couples we regarded as models of inspiration have divorced. I recognize that my marriage is walking the same mine-field.
What do I do? Be open, honest and communicate. Don't run away or hide and keep things to yourself. Take the same day off and spend it wisely. Don't let the congregation play favorites and play you off against each other (they are mostly pretty good about not doing that). Getting together with other clergy-couples as a support group would be a plus.
Don and Donna Wright serve together in Omaha, Nebraska, as members of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. You can write to them at: lordlove@radiks.net.
A Male/Female Continuum – Paths to Colleagueship: Carol Pierce, David Wagner, and Bill Page combine their expertise in this very insightful look at the journey, for males and females, from domination to colleagueship. Chapters include “Men and Dominance,” “Women and Subordinance,” Women in Transition,” “Men in Transition,” and “Colleagueship.” From New Dynamics Publications, copyright 1995, the ISBN number is 0-929767-02-0.
Common Sense About Men & Women in the Ministry: Though not about Shared Pastoral Ministry in specific, Donna Schaper’s understanding of women, men and ministry make this book a helpful read for those of us who seek to better understand the opposite sex and to work in mutual respect as we share ministry together. This is a 1990 copyright by The Alban Institute, Library of Congress Card Catalogue #90-83136.
Couplehood: Several years ago Amy and I read Paul Reiser’s humorous look at life together. The book is not about ministry, nor is it a “spiritual” book at all, but we enjoyed lots of laughs as we read this one, aloud, to each other. Copyright 1994 by Bantam Books, ISBN #0-553-09683-4.
Christians for Biblical Equality: Mark and Mary Driskill write: “Russ – just remembered a group you are probably already aware of: Christians for Biblical Equality. They had a booth at the [CBF] General Assembly and publish lots of magazines, books, etc… They may have something on "co-worship." Blessings! M&M”
You can check out the resources for CBE at (www.cbeinternational.org).
Diversity Press: As I began my search for couples, I was introduced to Maralene and Miles Wesner, Co-Pastors in Tom, OK. They publish their own monthly newsletter which is available in paper or electronic versions, at no cost. The newsletter contains a wealth of information, from theological essays to sermon manuscripts to anecdotes, etc… I’m grateful for their hard work and for insights they are willing to share just for the asking. You can reach Maralene and Miles at (diversitypress@netscape.net)
6. The Database – Check out the growing list of couples at: www.parkroadbaptist.org -- click the link for A Network for Shared Pastoral Ministry.”