Kathleen S. Bostrom
This article This article originally appeared in “The Christian Ministry,” May-June 1997.
When I packed my bags and headed to Princeton Theological Seminary in 1978, I knew two things for certain: I would not pursue the ordained ministry (I was seeking a degree in Christian education) and I would not get romantically involved with any fellow seminarians. (Who needs the heartache?) When I graduated five years later I had married a classmate, earned a master of divinity degree and knew without a doubt that God had called me to pastoral ministry. I was a new minister, a new wife and a member of a clergy couple.
Maybe ignorance is bliss. Neither Greg nor I knew what we were getting into, and we had no models to guide us. Today, as the number of women in seminary increases, clergy couples are more prevalent.
What is a clergy couple? Spouses who are both clergy, obviously. Beyond that, however, coming up with a definition is like choosing from a menu at a Chinese restaurant: pick one from column A, one from column B, and voila! You have your meal. A clergy couple may include a parish pastor, a teacher, a counselor or a chaplain.
Greg and I are among the few clergy couples we know who serve the same congregation. When we became engaged, we realized that one day in the not-too-distant future we might be looking for a church where we could minister together. We decided we should find out if working in the same church was a viable option. We took a year off from our seminary studies and did an internship at a church in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. People there remember us as the young newlyweds who arrived fresh from their honeymoon to spend a week at the church’s choir camp for elementary school children.
Not only did the internship help us hone our pastoral skills, the experience convinced us that we could indeed work together. We discovered that out skills were complementary, not competitive. Our styles of preaching and worship leadership are different, and our interests do not conflict. I’m at ease in a classroom full of toddlers, while Greg enjoys the challenges of teen and adult education. With our different approaches, gifts and personalities, serving in the same church works well for us.
We have been through the interview process twice, once while seniors at seminary and again eight years later. We’ve had the privilege and joy of serving two very different and equally wonderful churches, first as associate pastors in a large church in Pennsylvania, and currently as co-pastors in a small but rapidly growing congregation. Both congregations have affirmed us as pastors and loved us as family. Parishioners took pride in the fact that their pastors happened to be a wife-husband team.
Not all congregations are open to the idea of hiring a clergy couple. In our last search, we discovered that although many Pastor Nominating Committees (PNCs) were curious about the benefits of clergy-couple ministry, they were not ready to make the commitment. Their questions indicated that they were more concerned about the negative possibilities than the positive benefits. Following one interview, a PNC member called someone we had listed as a reference and expressed hesitation because “Kathy answered more questions first than Greg did.” Several committees asked us how we thought it would affect the church if Greg and I had a fight. Some wondered if we planned to take our vacations at the same time. We found ourselves assuring these people that yes, we did disagree at times, but that we were able to work out our differences; and yes, we intended to take our vacations together—would they want it otherwise? One particularly telling comment came from a church that interviewed us while we were in seminary. “Don’t plan to have any children while you’re at our church,” the committee told us. “We want you to devote all your time to us.” We ended the interview right then.
The PNC of Wildwood Presbyterian Church took a different approach. The first time they read our dossiers their response was, “Wow! A couple! What a great idea.” Since that beginning the people have loved us, treated us with fairness and in all ways have let us know that they support us. They have also been very careful not to expect us to work two-for-the-price-of-one, which is one of the greatest traps facing clergy couples.
Serving as a clergy couple has its difficulties. Greg and I find that our conversations with each other are often dominated by church business. One night while lying in bed, we found ourselves talking about the day at church: the person we saw in the hospital, the elder who had personal problems, the family that hadn’t been in church for a while. Suddenly we realized what we were doing. We had invited the congregation into our bedroom! So one by one, we told them to leave. “Get out of here, Mary! Leave us alone Joe!” We visualized them climbing off the bed and skulking out the door, slamming it behind them. Now we are more careful about protecting our private life.
Competition is a potential problem, although it hasn’t been for us. The closest we get to this is when I preach a sermon and someone leaving after worship says to me, “Greg’s sermon last week was terrific!” For the most part, we are able to affirm each other and to take pride in each other’s accomplishments.
I do wonder how having two pastors for parents will affect our children. We try to allow them to be “normal” kids, and not to expect perfect behavior from them. They have received an extra amount of attention and love from the people in our congregations. Our eldest son, who is 11, often gives us feedback on our sermons. And recently our younger two ended up greeting people and handing out the bulletins for the memorial service of a charter member of the church. Dorothy had been a teacher. I think she would have approved.
The sense of timing involved seeking a new call can be tricky. What if one member of the couple is ready to move before the other? What if one feels strongly called to a congregation while the other is not sure? Communication is crucial during this process. Greg and I may be at different points about whether or not we feel called to a new position. We need to communicate honestly about that. We need to be able to say, “You are more sure than I am, but I’m willing to trust that this is right for us,” or “I know that you are excited about this church, but I don’t feel that way.” Neither one of us wants to be in a church unless we both feel called to be there. The intensity of that call may vary, but the sense of call should be there for both husband and wife.
Combining marriage and ministry ahs many advantages. Each of us understands what the other is experiencing. We critique each other’s sermons, although the rule is that after noon on Saturday, any sermon is just fine! In each other we have an ever-present colleague who is concerned not only with our spiritual and theological sides but with our personal needs as well. We have a strong investment in working together, even in times of disagreement. Our children know that we value both family and spiritual life.
The church benefits, too. The congregation sees in their pastors a model of a husband and wife sharing leadership and the raising of their children. We bring a spirit of team ministry to the church. The fact that their pastors are part of one family helps make the parishioners feel like a family, too. Since Greg and I have very different preaching styles, the congregation gets more viewpoints than they would if they had only one of us.
A couple we know approached us not long ago and wanted to know what working together in a church was like for us. For them and anyone interested in this special calling, I offer the following advice.
Be intentional. When interviewing with church pulpit committees, look for those that can perceive the benefits of calling a clergy couple. The last thing you need is a church that expects problems with the arrangement. If they think there will be problems, this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Anticipate questions about your relationship and how it will affect your work together. “Where does the buck stop?” (With both of us). “How will you divide the work?” “When you disagree, how do you work it out?”
Prior to candidating at our present church, we met with the parish governing boards. We also met congregants at an open house at the church so that people could get to know us a little before they had to vote on calling us. They were able to see us as people not just as an experiment.
Present yourself as two separate pastors. Make sure that your responsibilities are well defined. Greg and I alternate preaching, leading worship and performing other pastoral duties, and divide participation on committees. For example, members know that if they have a question about the work of the deacons, they should ask Kathy; if they want to discuss the discipleship committee, they should talk to Greg. We take responsibility for our own areas of ministry just as other colleagues on a church staff would do.
Avoid habitually making pastoral calls together. This sets up a model that might not be viable at churches whose pastors are not a couple. Occasionally we make a hospital call at the same time, but for the most part we make them separately.
Make sure the church provides each of you a separate salary and compensation package. We made the mistake of lumping our salary, housing and benefits together. This made it difficult for the congregation to remember that we were two staff members. Remember you don’t want to help the church set precedents that may not apply to your successors.
Let the members of the congregation be your advocates. When our present church’s PNC decided to extend a call to us, they communicated their enthusiasm to the congregation. They answered questions, explained how we worked and why they felt led to call us as their pastors. Their fervor spread to the rest of the congregation, and they continue to be vocal about supporting our ministry.
A strong personnel committee is a key to a successful ministry. As a clergy couple, we each need a sounding board other than our spouse. The personnel committee interprets the terms of our call to the congregation, and hears the concerns of other staff members. People may be reluctant to tell Greg if I’ve done something that upsets them, but they need to be able to tell someone who can listen. You don’t want members to hold back their concerns.
I wouldn’t be truthful if I said that being a clergy couple was without moments of stress. It’s not for everyone: It is a calling, just as all ministry is a calling. It takes effort, work and prayer. But what healthy relationship doesn’t? As for me, I’m having a great time. I am; among women, most richly blessed.
Kathleen S. Bostrom is co-pastor of Wildwood Presbyterian
Church in Wildwood, Illinois